Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Being Blessed (or is Bitter Better?)

Sometimes, I am longing to whine and shout "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Even though I have worked steadfastly to teach my children to say nothing of the sort.

Because what is "fair" anyway?

Everybody has something.

I force myself to ponder that thought while sipping my chai latte and breathing slowly, reviewing what just happened.  As the tick of my heart slows, my shaking hands steady.  Feeling more human.  More calm.  More me. 

I can't change any of this.  I can't reverse our life.  Or fast forward. 

This is it. 

These are the cards that we were dealt.  For better or for worse.  This is our life.

I accept this.

But still, I have moments where I feel sad, angry and depressed.   Because this really is not FAIR!

So I grumble these words under my breathe. 

Stupid type 1 diabetes. 

You can't stop us from living and from enjoying and from conquering.

I will douse you with food (or insulin depending on the moment).  And if you keep erupting, I will add more.  The only fire that is going to burn is the one set with determination to not let you stop my children from doing the things that they love.

Even if the moment that they love is doing nothing more than having friends over to play Barbies.

I make a game out of it and bring snacks to the room.  Delighting all with the idea of having a picnic in a bedroom on the carpet.  No one is the wiser to my battle within or realizes the significance of the number on the meter that I so carefully flipped over.  I do not want this to damper the moment.  I do not want to explain what is happening and why we must act with urgency. Or to inadvertently isolate my daughter by bringing type 1 diabetes back into the picture - even though, truly, it never leaves.

All I want is for our child to have a fun day with her friends.

Our youngest slowly perks back up and starts to giggle again.  Almost instantly forgetting how crappy she must have just felt.  Her friends join in and soon the room is full of laughter over the Ken doll wearing a mu mu.

And for another day, I conquer the diabetes monster along with the residual anxiety that remains present from dueling type 1 diabetes...

every second, every minute, every hour and every day.

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